You know what's difficult for me? Indecision. Mandy and I chose to name this blog "the art of wavering" because we felt it described how we're living our lives right now... in the margins, wavering between options, basically directionless.
Well, right now I'm on the verge of making a pretty huge decision. And I am going crazy, because I have no way to really anchor my choice. I spoke with my friend Nate about his job search earlier this month, and he brought up a good point that, now that we're out of college, even the criteria for decision making has changed. How we decide has altered just as much as our actual options.
You know, in some ways, I am more free right now than I ever will be again. I am single, (relatively) without financial obligations, and young. What can't I do? And yet, as much as this freedom opens me up, it also paralyzes me. How do you make a choice when there's no one to consider but yourself? I don't owe anyone anything, and it's actually quite frightening.
I mentioned courage in my last post. I think maybe I'm lacking that, a bit. But I also don't know how to make a decision...all by myself. How do I handle not answering to anyone? All of a sudden, this whole thing is on my shoulders. And I don't know if what I'm doing is right.
Sorry if I'm obfuscating this whole thing by being vague; it's just that some discretion is necessary for me right now in terms of how much I can really say. I guess my point is... this whole "freedom" thing can be as terrifying as it is exhilarating. And the toughest moment, I think, is not when you're out there on your own; it's when you take the first step away from home.
rkb
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